Ney

I feel like I really can't do this post justice. I've wanted to write about my best friend Renee because I have to remember how much she means to me. I feel like her friendship is a gift from God. I had been living in Hillsboro for almost a year. I was having difficulties with breastfeeding. And had gone to the breastfeeding group at Tuality for a couple of weeks when Renee came in with her head held low. Her little Mason was hanging off her with his beautiful curly blond hair and bright blue eyes. Renee was a wreck. Her mother had just died the month before and she clearly stated that she wasn't in a good place. When she shared how she was feeling it was so honest and heartfelt. I think it made everyone in the room want to go over and wrap our arms around her. So many people have pain that they just shove down inside them and here Renee was sharing with us where she was in dealing with her mom's death. I immideatly liked her.

As time went on we'd talk after our group for as long as our babies would allow. Eventually we started to hang out a little more here and there and call eachother on the phone. Now almost three years later we are as close as sisters. We are also busier than ever. With her three children and my two we are lucky to get in a conversation on the phone from day to day.

I haven't said what it is that makes her so special. She is really one of the kindest people I know. She is wonderfully friendly. I never have to worry if she'll be feel out of place because she can make friends anywhere with anyone. She is a wonderful mom and is a great example to me of how I should parent. She allows you to be your self and tries to understand others point of view. She is very accepting and so hard working. I can't even count how many meals she has made for our family since I've known her. She is also very dependable. If she says she's going to do something she does it. All these things are great and make a great friend but I still don't think that really describes how great she is. I think it's her emotional honesty. She is so honest emotionally that it's a breath of fresh air. Thank you God for Ney Ney.

Humbled

Really? Must we continue down this road! I am in a constant reminder of what it is like to have a child who doesn't sleep through the night. Sadly Noah sleeps much better than Hannah did but that's not saying much. I can put him in his crib to sleep during the day for naps he does sleep a good portion of the night in his crib. He was sleeping all night long in there until I he got sick and I got paranoid that he wasn't breathing well so I started pulling him into bed with me. I've heard you've got to sleep train all over again after they are sick or you go on vacation. It really is all just pure torture. Torture for the baby because he' just wants to be with you all day and night. Torture for me because I just need a break and some uninterrupted sleep. I have none of it at the moment.

Noah started taking a pacifier about two weeks ago. Yipee! But he's too young to remember where it is to put it back in his mouth or really to even find it. He is just getting the hang of this grabbing thing. So I've been putting him down with the pacifier at night and for naps and it seemed to work well. But as with everything that seems to work well it all fades away with time. After having four or five nights in a row of now crying (but lots of night waking after midnight) Noah finally had decided that he couldn't stay asleep. I nurse, I bounce I pat and then I leave. Usually Noah sleeps. Not today. He just started screaming. I'm so tired. I just can't go in again and again to put a pacifier back into his mouth. I just have to leave and let him work it out. Sounds easy right? No. It's not easy at all. He screamed as if he were dying. I just let him scream. I felt bad but the alternative is to spend all night with him trying to get him to sleep and getting no sleep myself. I just can't do it. I start to go a bit crazy. I can't think or function or get anything I need to get done. I know I've been to this same spot with Hannah and I really have to fight off the depression that is setting in. The jealousy that is taking over. It's really not a great place for me to be. I am only here when the babies are young and waking me up more than 2 times a night. My babies don't grow out of this in a timely manner in say a couple of months like other babies do. That is where the jealously sets in for me. I see these moms that have babies that sleep well from a couple months on and mine are sleeping like newborns. It's so hard. I am humbled by this experience.

Odds and Ends

I found a house I like. It has four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a larger garage, family, living and dining room. The kitchen has more storage than ours and the doors from the kitchen go directly our to the back yard! The yard is large (for Oregon) and has enough space for a garden and play structure. It's over forty years old in an established neighborhood. It's for sale as a short sale meaning the owners sold it back to the bank for a loss and a hit on their credit score. And the bank is dying to get their money out of it. The only thing is that I'm not sure that I want to move. I want to and I don't. I really like our neighborhood. We can walk to all kinds of places. A couple of parks, the grocery store, drug store. Joanne Fabrics and during the summer we always walk to the farmer's market which is held on Sunday here. And though I don't walk to New Season's much lately it's also within walking distance. But you see our house is great! It has so much sunshine coming through the nicely placed windows. It's new. We have a green space behind us and an office building in front of us (but far enough away that they can't see in our windows). We don't have to deal with mowing the lawn because there is barely any lawn to mow. All the exterior work for our house is covered by the HOA. What it really boils down to is that I don't want us to make a bad decision and move to a place we don't really like and for what? A yard that we can use %30 of the year.

For three nights in a row I've spent about a half hour putting Noah to sleep. Nursing bouncing pacifier in mouth and patting. And we've had three nights of him going to sleep without screaming. I'm so glad! I really couldn't take the screaming anymore. Hannah screamed when we cried it out but not that much.

I think I am the clothes Nazi to Robert. I was rubbing his shoulder the other day and noticed his favorite 'blanket' or button up shirt had a hole in it. He acted paranoid (jokingly) and said it was fine because he knows that I'll throw the shirt away and look for a new one. He hates getting new clothes.

We went to church today again! It's a wonder what a pacifier will do for our kids. Noah can sleep on me if I need him to and really doesn't make much of a fuss with a pacifier in his mouth. We were asked to help out in Sabbath School but declined because it's so hard to tell if we'll be able to make it there regularly. I really hesitate doing anything before Noah turns 1 and we know he has a regular schedule. I feel a bit misunderstood lately by women who have lots of children and didn't seem to have any problems taking them everywhere or getting them to sleep. I'm just not willing to go through the stress of taking my kids somewhere that takes a long time to get to and having Hannah just stick by my side because she feel uncomfortable and also have Noah freak out crying or more likely decline to nurse because he's overstimulated and then have to drive over 15 minutes to get home. No thanks.

Hannah's been begging to wear underwear to bed. I've been putting it off because I'm afraid she'll wake up crying from wetting the bed. I also need to buy a mattress cover so it's not ruined by pee. Most days Hannah wakes up with a dry diaper. She's doing such a great job.

Growing up

Some big changes are happening over here. Things that I wouldn't really think about twice except it the last of it's kind from each child. Hannah is on the brink of being potty trained. She really wants to wear underwear to bed. She's been wearing underwear to nap in and has only had an accident once. Now she's rallying for bedtime too. She's also starting to use the potty all by herself which is a good sign for night time readiness along with the fact that most days she wakes up in the morning she is dry. The only problem is that I'm not sure that I'm ready.

Noah is starting to gain more control over his body and in doing so he and I don't really need to use the *boppy pillows to breastfeed. There was a time when I couldn't live without the boppy. Now I can't remember the last time I used it for breast feeding. I did use it as a pillow for my head. Noah is also starting to sit up with help. Today when I sort of layed him in the crook of the couch between the arm and back he just sat up with out support of the couch. Of course I made a mental note the fact that I can't assume he'll lay there anymore and that he'll probably launch himself off the couch. All this change, what's a mom to do? Relish it.

*boppy is a 'c' shaped pillow used to help support babies while breast feeding

Change

My room mate from college visited. We had a great visit. She is one of those friends who is faithful and dependable. We once taught at the same school. It was a charter school in Vallejo. I only lasted on year. It was one of the hardest years of my life (and one of the best). Had I not been dating my husband at the time I would have been severely depressed by the circumstances I had to teach in. For example: going from room to room having all my stuff on a cart that I couldn't barely push from the main building to the portables because of the thick gravel between the buildings. Not having my own room. Teaching kids whose lives were in constant chaos who brought their chaos with them to school. A lazy administration. A board school board member who thought I was chicken for walking away from totally irate parent who thought that if she yelled louder I'd understand her better. Threats from a parent for treating her gay son like he was worth something. Not having enough books or resources to teach my subject properly. It is this environment that my room mate has been teaching in for nine years and counting. She finally decided to make a change but the economy tanked so she stuck right where she is right now. Not wanting to teach but having to stay where she is at so that she can pay all her school loans off. I now understand why teachers stop caring about their quality of work. It's hard to care when you're in a situation like this charter school provides. Obviously the challenges change from year to year but they are still there and they are numerous.

Scullery Maid

I was in the kitchen yesterday getting ready for my old college room mate's arrival. I look over at the stove and there is the nastiest looking dirty pan sitting there screaming for me to clean it. One that would take no less than twenty minutes to scrub clean with a brillo pad. That's when I said out loud "I need a scullery maid!" Hannah promptly stood up in the living room with both arms and said "here I am!". I love three year olds.

In case you're wondering what a scullery maid does here's the link in wikipedia

Hannah is Back! And Noah's not sleeping...

It's so nice to have Hannah back after having been sick for so long. We've been having a really nice time together the last couple of days. I really needed to see her good side for a while. Unfortunately our friends the Ramey's are all sick now so we won't see them this week. I miss them so much.

On a sleep note, Noah is feeling better but sleeping worse than ever. He must cry to go to sleep every night. I hate it and try to block it out the best I can but it's getting hard. I think this is why sleep training is not recommended for children under a certain age. I thought Hannah was hard to sleep train. Noah is so much harder. But I do sleep more than I ever did when Hannah was this age. Right before Noah got sick he was sleeping for 7-9 hours in a row. That was so nice. His naps were still short and many but he slept for a long time at night.

I know I'll sleep again. I just wonder when things will get to be more predictable.

Move? What!

Robert and I were talking and he mentioned that he was open to the idea of moving. I was really surprised. You see we really like our house. We are not super fond of our neighbors. We would like to have a yard. We really hate having an HOA. We never wanted to move into one in the first place but everything we looked at when we flew up here to look at houses was really not so great. Most of the houses were dumpy. This house had the great room and three bedrooms plus a bonus room and a hall bathroom with a bathroom for the kids and one for our master bedroom. It is a great house! Then the whole HOA thing when crazy! We pay 50% more for our HOA from when we moved in. They don't even take care of our back yard area? Why do we pay so much? We don't even have any real common areas to take care of? It really doesn't make sense. Anyway, our neighbors who live in the very last house. Well they have a daughter too! And though I was excited to have them move in but when the 'wife' of the house wouldn't look me in the eye or speak to me I realized that they may not be the best neighbors. The reality is that they are fine neighbors. I just wouldn't be friends with them.

Who knows where this 'moving' thing will go but we'll see!

He's So Beautiful

Noah has the sweetest smile. It's been a while since I've bounced him to sleep on the exercise ball. I've been trying to bounce him until his eyes get heavy in hopes of avoiding his screams when I put him down.

Yesterday I took Hannah to her Music Together class at 5:30pm. I for some reason thought I would be home in time to try and top Noah off with some milk but he was going to bed at 6pm and we weren't going to be back until 6:30 at the earliest. Robert met us at the garage door, which means that things didn't go so well. I could hear Noah screaming through the monitor. My heart just sunk. Robert told me he went in every five minutes to pat him out of his angry crying but nothing was working. Either he was over tired or just plain angry because Robert took the pacifier out of his mouth before he put Noah down to sleep- not knowing that I had let Noah sleep with a pacifier for two of his naps because I was hoping he'd sleep more after having only slept two short naps in the morning because of he would start coughing and wake himself up! I marched upstairs and took an angry Noah out of his crib and stroked his head and held his hands while he was nursing. I could feel the anxiousness subside and the sleep set in. He started to cough again around 10pm that night so I put the humidifier on in his room and slept in the double bed next to his crib waiting until the next nursing to pull him into bed with me. He woke up a lot. Not to nurse every time but because he was coughing. I was very happy to be sleeping with him just to know that he was okay. He woke up this morning a bit congested but seems to be doing better now. Which leads me to his beautiful smile. When Noah drifts off to sleep he often smiles. It just sends waves of pure love through me. It's the most adorable, beautiful thing I get to experience being his mom. I'm so glad he's ours! What a sweet joy!!

One More Down

We thought that Robert had given us this terrible sickness but it looks like we may have gotten it somewhere else. Robert came home feeling cold with a sore throat. I'm so sorry he has to go through this too. The best part of him getting sick now is that he prayed that he could make it through today before he got sick and he did! Thank you God!

Reality

Before Robert and I ever had children we both had ideas about how we would act as parents. Robert thought that he would be the pushover, while I thought that I would be very much the opposite. The reality is that since I birthed our two babies and became their source sustenance nurturing and nursing them both. I also became much more of a pushover than I ever thought that I would be. I have lots of excuses for my pushover behavior but I really think my best excuse is that I'm so much easier to wear down because I am with our babies/kids day and night and I need a break sometimes. This means that I allow Hannah to eat protein bars for dinner. I take a certain amount of abuse before I start to set better boundaries. I allow Hannah to change her clothes as many times a day as she wants to in hope that she'll tire of it as I do.

Today it meant that when Hannah did her swiping motion at me today because she was angry that her dolly wouldn't sit up straight in the shopping cart. I told her to sit on the 'naughty stair'. When refused, I spanked her. She continued to refuse so I changed my tactics. I tried to give her hugs while I told her it's okay to frustrated. It's okay to jump up and down really fast or go to her room for a break or even play with another doll but it's not okay to hit me. I then took her upstairs for her nap. Of course later today she did more 'swiping' at me and I just ignored it. I just don't want the confrontation at every swipe or scream. I'll try ignoring it for a while and maybe it'll go away. I also took the floppy dolly, Jessica is her name, and put her away for a while. I'll take her out again when the hitting stops.

The reality for me is that if spanking doesn't get me what I need then I need to change tactics. It doesn't mean that I won't spank again it just means it wasn't working this time. Isn't that what parenting is all about?

The Day Nobody Wants to Trade

There have been days that Robert has said he'd really like to stay home. I remember the first time that he told me that. Hannah and I had been at a friend's house all day and we came in all happy and sun kissed. I had to remind him that it took a long time to get to this point. I had months of no sleep and lots of crabbiness from Hannah. I always felt like I'd like a day away too but it's virtually impossible when you are nursing a little one. Yeah sure you can pump milk and make arrangements to have a babysitter come, but the reality is that there are not guarantees that the baby is going to drink the milk or that the baby won't scream in the babysitter's face the whole time. Plus I just can't deal with the guilt of having someone else be screamed at by my baby. She's my baby.

Well today is a day that no one would ever want to trade with me. Hannah has been sick for a week now. I had hoped that Hannah would be feeling better. It appeared that she was--initially. For a good couple hours today she screamed at me about how she wanted to go to sleep or go outside with out shoes or that she wanted me to wipe her nose with a tissue that I had just thrown in the garbage. There was really no pleasing her. I even lost my head for a while there trying to buffer all her requests with reasoning. You can't reason with a crabby three year old! At one point I was screaming "If you would just stop screaming you and I could do something fun while Noah was sleeping but instead you chose to SCREAM the whole time!" It wasn't my proudest moment.

Looking back at the day Robert noticed that Hannah's bad behavior began when I forced her to let me put some salve on her chapped face. Tomorrow I'll try to talk her into letting me put it on or maybe I'll just let it go entirely and just see if we can start the day off better. I would rather a red ruddy face than a screaming toddler.

I Hate Sunday Night

I've got this creeping feeling tonight. I used to feel this way when I would have to go to school as a student and as a teacher. It's like I have to stop the vacation and get to work, only now it means that Robert has to go into work tomorrow and I have to deal with both sick children alone. I have all these questions swirling around inside me: Can I do it? Will Hannah eat? What if Noah is sicker tomorrow than today? Will there be a lot more screaming? If everyone wasn't sick we'd spend time with friends playing, eating, hanging out. Normally that friend would be Renee and her three kids Mason, Jakey and Paige. We always have a nice time. This makes me sad. My mood reflects the weather, sunny then cloudy and hey it's sunny again. Oh now it's going to rain and rain hard.

It doesn't help that as I write this the baby is screaming his head off upstairs. Yes he's sick. Yes we do let him cry and fuss to sleep normally and we're doing it now. I feel like I want to cut off my right arm right now to make the baby stop crying and go to sleep. Robert just went up to pat his little bum to let him know that it's okay to go to sleep. It's not working. I think I'd just like to hold him all night and day if I could. But the reality is that both of us would get better sleep if we don't sleep together.

What To Do With a Sick Noah?

I knew something was up with Noah when he woke up more than normal last night. I went in to feed him at 6:50am and instead of him waking up with smiles he cried and fell back to sleep. I was happy to lay with him for a while longer because I had such a terrible night of sleep myself. All the coughing was keeping me in a light sleep. Noah has had a fever on and off this week but been pretty normal. Today he woke up with a fever of 100. The highest it's been so far. He wasn't as wormy and squirmy as he normally is. We put him down at noon and he woke up 30 minutes later. Usually you can set a clock to him. He sleeps exactly 40 minutes. So I went upstairs and tried to pat him back to sleep. He fell asleep until a little after 1pm. I took him out of the crib and nursed him. He fell back to sleep. I laid with him dozing until he woke me up again. I then gave him his pacifier. He continued sto wake and sleep until 3:15 when he seemed to be awake enough that I got him up. I held him most of the evening. He slept on me a while until I put Hannah down at 7pm. I was hoping he'd continue to sleep so I could just peacefully lay him down in his crib. He didn't. He woke right up again. He was so cute and sweet. Robert had to remind me that I needed to put him down inorder for everyone to get some rest tonight. I just didn't want to hear the crying and was afraid that it would be worse than normal. I couldn't do it. I nursed and changed and kissed Noah, then handed him over to Robert. I felt like I was being really cold. Should I hold him to sleep? He's sick. Robert put him down and Noah fussed on and off for a half an hour and then fell asleep. Sleep well my baby Mommy misses you.

Depression and Window Panes

I realized today after five days of being stuck in the house with the kids, all of us being sick, I have been counting a lot of window panes. I remember doing this when Hannah was a baby. I would count when I was nursing her, count when I was laying down with her to get her to sleep, count them when I was depressed. I believe I'm a bit depressed. I would like to feel better. I'd like to get out of the house. I'd like my children to feel better. It feels like I'm Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill, only to see it roll down once more as I get to the top. It's so much harder to be sick when you have two children to care for who are also sick. Robert's been helping out a lot. He's getting some work done and he's pitching in when ever he can. I didn't realize how much energy it takes to take care of children all day long. The silver lining in all this is that Hannah seems to have turned a corner. Today was the first day in three days that she played! Next I hope she'll eat something. I took her to the doctor today to make sure her illness was turning into something worse. Doctor Dalquist looked her over and said it was viral but everything looked okay. No crackling lungs or ear infections. She gave us a cream for her cracked and bleeding face. Of course it was nothing but a fight to put the stuff on. And as soon as I put on the salve Hannah wiped it off. What's a mom to do? Doctor Dalquist, who is also a lactation consultant, asked about Noah and if I'm still nursing him. She assured me that he'll be over this much quicker since I'm giving him antibodies in my milk. I'm so glad to be nursing. Hannah got over everything on two or three days when I was nursing her. I've thought about pumping some milk and giving it to her like it was silk milk but haven't got the energy to do that yet.

Can You Wipe Your Nose Too Much?

The answer is YES! Hannah's nose has been running like a fountain for the last two days. I finally gave her a cloth diaper to use all day. She doesn't blow her nose into the diaper she just sat wiped her nose and cheek over and over until she was raw. Today she started to bleed from all the wiping. So I tried to teach her to dab her nose. It really didn't work. So I took the bloody cloth diaper away and gave her tissues. I really didn't want to harp on her about how she should use a tissue more than once. The poor thing was miserable and barely speaking. I just let it go. After two hours she had gone through a box of tissues.

Tonight we are trying out giving her a very soft washcloth to use to wipe her nose. I just want my baby to feel better.

Sick Little Girl

Today Hannah was so sick that she barely talked all day. When she did talk her voice was croaky like a frog. She ate a little here and there. I tried to offer her has much fluids as I could. She drank and her little nose continued to run and run. So much so that when I put her down for a nap I gave her a burp cloth to wipe her face on until she fell asleep. She never fell asleep. She, I believe, just laid there for two hours wiping her nose. When I got her up her nose was so red and chapped I felt terrible for her. All she wanted to do was sit on my lap all day. I put chapstick on all the red hurty parts. Hannah mostly stared off into space. Robert gave her a bath and she just sat there soaking in the warmth. She didn't play. I gave her a little ibuprofen before bed in hopes that her fever (99.7) would break and she would want to eat. She didn't want to leave my side as evening approached. She sat on the potty, put on her jammies and let me brush her teeth and apply more salve. She even wanted to skip reading books. I hope she sleeps well tonight and wakes up feeling better. The only good part about Hannah being sick is that she wasn't crying all day. I'm not sure that's so good.

When Mommy is Sick

I woke up today and I felt really badly. My body ached and I was feeling exhausted. Robert offered to stay home. At first I didn't even have the energy to say or think about the logistics of how Robert could help me out, but that didn't matter since I couldn't even get off the floor.

Hannah is very clingy. She has a hard time letting anyone take care of her but me. So I knew that there was going to be some bulking from her about having daddy take care of her. I fed Noah, handed him over to Robert. After Hannah cried for a bit I was able to lay down and sleep for a couple of hours. I didn't feel very good when I woke up, however, after I took some ibuprofen and it had little time to sink in I felt so much better.

It's so hard to be sick when you have children. Noah and Hannah need me so much and I love taking care of them. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful husband who knows when and how to step in for me. He had to force me to go onto the bedroom to lay down. He knew that Hannah wouldn't leave me alone if she could see me.

Hannah has been running a fever all weak and has asked to go to bed two times well before her bedtime. Poor thing. She hasn't been eating a lot either. I've been a real push-over with her lately. I seems I get this way at times. I just get so sick of all the crying and crying and more crying that I let Hannah have her way more than I should. I feel pretty worn down from allowing Noah to cry to sleep, starting my period after a whole year and being sick. But isn't there always an excuse?

Everyone Is Sick Over Here

Everyone in our house is sick. Baby Noah seems to be doing alright. He's a bit stuffed up and has a runny nose but it isn't interfering with his breathing or sleeping so far. Hannah has had a fever since last night. She requested to go to sleep early because she wasn't feeling well. Robert has been sick the longest out of all of us. He thought that he had allergies but when I came down with his allergies and a body aches we realized it wasn't what he thought it was!

And today I did a couple of errands with the kids and lost my credit card. I think I put it in the mail slot with a package I was mailing. Robert went back to look for it but didn't find it. They'll call us if they find it at the post office. What a mood squelcher.

Hold You Me

When Hannah wasn't as proficient at speaking she would ask us to hold her by saying "hold you me". Today Robert and I just realized that she now says "hold me" which I heard a lot today. I try my best to always drop what I'm doing to hold her when she says this. I want her to know that she is very important to me, more important than whatever task is at hand.

There once was a time when I could never put her down. She was the baby who never did tummy time. She was much too cranky and sleep deprived. Even now she stays very close to me--even closer when she's sick.

Today she asked to got to bed right after her bath. And because of the time change, springing forward one hour, it was only 5:30 old time. So we put her to bed. Robert took her temperature and she had a temp of 101.5. Poor thing. I'm glad I took the time to hold you me.

So Sorry

I've been feeling jealous and envy a lot since I became a mom. Most of my jealously and envy was aimed at parents who had babies who were born good sleepers or babies that had no problems with babysitters or other 'strangers'.

Hannah was born anxious. She's got a couple of anxious ticks you might say. When she's really excited she moves her arms in and then out from her body in a way that looks like she trying to tighten large invisible bolts. She also used to cross her fingers very tightly and digs her thumb nails into her index finger. She's had a dig mark on her index finger for years. I've only seen her do it a couple of times. She was never a good sleeper and has always very over stimulated by everything around her so much so that we still have blackout shades and a white noise machine in her room so that she can sleep in the same 'conditions' every night. We've also never really been able to use a babysitter. I was able to drop her off at the babysitter's house two times before she refused to go again.

But there are other things that she does that are really quit nice. She never ever leaves my side or runs away. She won't go near strangers. If she feels uneasy about anything she comes right to me for shelter. She never gets out of her bed when she wakes up in the morning or from a nap. She waits for us to come and get her. She follows rules. She thrives on consistency. She is not rebellious. She was easy to potty train.

I am sorry for being jealous of all those people who have it easy with sleep. The reality is that it is not easy to raise children no matter how easy it may look for the outside. It's hard work to be consistent and to always be the adult taking care of everything. All the work is worth it when you think of what you get out of it. Just today Hannah gave me a hug when she saw that I was crying. She didn't understand it was all the onions that were making me weapy. So sweet!

Feeling Kinda Weird

I've been feeling weird and wasn't sure why. I had had this feeling before after Hannah was born and thought that it was just the process of my body healing its self after a long and hard labor compounded by the fact that I wasn't getting a lot of sleep. The best way to describe this feeling is that my uterus is going to fall out. It's tender to the touch and doesn't feel good when I jostle it around by jumping or bouncing Noah on the exercise ball.

This time around the feeling came about two weeks ago. I thought it may have something to do with the spermicide we've been using. Maybe it was irritating my uterus? Just a couple of days ago I noticed that I hadn't notice my uterus aching. Now I know what it was all about.

I started my period again today after a whole year. It came this time four months postpartum whereas last time, with Hannah, it started up just two months postpartum. It seems my body was made to have babies back to back. I'm still nursing Noah. Many women I know don't have a period until their child starts eating solids or even still until their baby is fully weaned. I'm a bit frustrated by how well my body works. I was hoping this time around I would have the full benefits of breastfeeding induced ammenorrhea and super-fast weight loss. No such luck here.

Tomorningday

There are some cute little words that Hannah has made up that are uniquely expressive. When I got her up this morning it was about 6:30am (she goes to bed at 6:30pm) and she said, "It's tomorningday". When she was really little, about one, she started calling her pacifiers machs (pronounced Mah'ks). During Noah's first week with us we were trying to think of a nickname for him and she said "Noey-kins". It came from one of her books where a character is named baby-kins.

It's so lovely having a little child in the house. Oh the joy they bring to us!

Small Steps Forward

So yesterday as I was making lunch I was wearing Noah in the Ergo and bouncing him because he was fussy. He started to fall asleep so instead of waking him up by swaddling him I just put him in his crib on his tummy. He slept for an hour and a half! The afternoon naps didn't go so well. He cried a lot partly because we decided to try and put him down on his tummy for the rest of the naps. He really takes too many short naps during the day and wakes up crabby.

We decided to put him down on his tummy for bed to just to see if he would sleep better. He complained a lot and woke up after an hour of sleeping. I fed him at 10ish and he woke up at 3:30 to feed but then by the time I got there he had found his thumb! So I just went back to bed. He woke again at 4:30. I fed him and he didn't wake up again until 7:30 am!!! I haven't gotten that much sleep in a row in forever! It really seems like one small step forward each day. The hardest part is that I don't have a real schedule. But If I look back a week to where we were there has been a lot of improvements. He's not in his swing anymore. He doesn't have to sleep on my chest and he's not in our bed! That's pretty big!

I Thought I knew

The theme for this year should be sleep. When I don't have enough of it I cannot function well and feel mildly depressed. I knew that having children means that you get less sleep. I had no idea how little sleep it could be until the children arrived. Hannah slept poorly until we sleep trained her when she was over nine months old. It was terrible. I couldn't sleep or eat or barely keep anything in me during the worst two weeks of my life. Now we are sleep training Noah. He is much, much younger. Four months old. Our pediatrician said we could do it when he was two months old, but I didn't feel comfortable with it because I felt like I couldn't read Noah's cues. Is he crying because he has to poop? Is he tired or hungry? I have no idea. Well now he is more regular with his poops. I can tell when He's tired and he started to sleep really terribly. So instead of letting bad sleep habits arise I convinced Robert that we needed to sleep train him now and not when he's six months old like we had originally talked about.

There has been lots and lots of crying. The worst of it was two hours the first day. The least of it has been one minute. There has been in instance with no crying. I was wearing him in his baby Ergo and he was getting cranky, so as I was preparing lunch, I bounced him. He got all sleepy so I put him down in his crib on his tummy (no time to swaddle) and he slept for forty-five minutes! No crying! I thought that was great. It didn't last.

I don't like swaddling him I feel that she should be able to move freely if he'd like to. If we swaddle him while he's sleeping, he's swaddled for more than 15 hours a day. I just don't think it's good for his joints and limbs. We were going to continue it, but then he fell asleep unexpectedly on me so instead of waking him up and swaddling him, I just put him down on his tummy. And he slept! Am I worried about SIDS. Yes I am. Any mom who doesn't worry is a fool! But I'm not so sure that SIDS doesn't correspond with vaccinating your children or with the baby's mattress off-gassing chemicals. We invested in a mattress cover from New Zeland to contain any gasses and have a monitor with a special plate that goes under the mattress and ticks to let us know that the baby is breathing/moving and sounds and alarm to indicate movement has stopped for over 15 seconds. The alarm has only gone off once when we used this monitor with Hannah. It happend only when she would ball up in the corner of the crib. So we know it works!

Crying is terrible. Crying and silence and then crying again is torture! Purt torture. I really thought this time would be easier after the first couple of days. But it's not easy at all. I just want Noah to learn to sleep on his own and go back to sleep when he's still tired. That's all I ask. That's all I want. No more crying please.

It's My Birthday Too!

Hannah turns three today. It really feels like my birthday not hers. It is the day that I gave birth to her after many days of labor. It could be considered a nightmarish birth if you count every minute but not to me. It was a wonderfully uncomplicated birth. All natural no drugs, just plenty of time.

From the moment she came out was was with me and has never left my side since. I don't know that things will always be this way. Hannah being at my side and all. And I'm not sure that I'd want it that way either. But I am glad that she was the first to make Robert and I a family.

On this day three years ago I became a mother.

I'm Mommy!

When Hannah was little we used to always ask her what her name is. So that she would know what to say when people asked her that question. Now she asks "What's your name Mommy?" And I say "I'm Mommy". I always get the same response from her. She'll sort of shout "I'm Mommy!" Then I ask her who am I. She says with a smile " You're Hannah".

Today when she was laying in bed during nap time I heard her exclaim "I'm Mommy!"